That Boyish Innocence

Drove to the lake house today. Beautiful, honestly. And I still felt that itch to keep working — like I hadn't done enough yet, like I needed to justify being here. So I did work. And I felt uncomfortable and on edge the whole time, that low-grade tension sitting in my chest that I couldn't quite explain.

Part of it was probably just dehydration. Part of it was probably the bad sleep from last night — Jordan kept me up, couldn't fall asleep quickly. So naturally I did the responsible thing and opened Civ on my phone lol. Which, I'm now realizing, was maybe not the move. Some of those domination moments actually triggered something in me? Like, war games activating a certain ambient aggression that just... lingered into today. Idk. I think it all stacked.

Somewhere in the afternoon I ended up on a Reddit thread about Project Hailmary — specifically about whether Ryland Grace is ENTP or ENFP.

And I'm like... from the movie? He's ENFP. For sure. Ryan Gosling plays him with this warm, Fi-dominant quality that just reads emotional and personal rather than ideational. He bonds with Rocky from the gut, not from curiosity. He's an elementary school teacher. When the mission comes, he doesn't want to go — not because he's calculated the odds, but because he just... doesn't want to go. Simple. Direct. And at the end, when he chooses to stay, it's not a grand ideological statement. It's just that Earth kind of betrayed him and he doesn't feel like going home for the glory. There's a Fi-ness to it — that one-on-one bonding, that simple clarity of "this is how I feel and I'm not going to dress it up."

Maybe in the book he reads more ENTP. But the movie made him ENFP, whether it intended to or not.

And then, as these things go, my brain drifted to Bryce. 😅

As it does.

He's the ENFP who held up a mirror for me. All that stuff I still need to grow into — putting less meaning on moments, being spontaneous, being honest and direct about feelings without pre-calculating everything first. That boyish innocence. He had it in a way that left an imprint. Not because of who he was to me specifically, but because of what he showed me about a version of being that I haven't fully stepped into yet.

I've been realizing lately that as I keep healing — putting less weight on things, needing less from moments — I'd eventually be able to reach out to him in a way that's just... natural. Chill. Coming from overflow, not from lack. A brief acknowledgment of what happened, and then just letting the moment breathe. Not needing anything back.

I think that's real. I think I'll actually get there.

Though I'll admit — I still put some meaning on him. Obviously lol. But I'm aware of it now, which feels different from before.

Keep going, Tim. Maybe tomorrow you drive up to Lassen — it's only 40 minutes away.